Sykes Hot Spring Dries Up: Declared Superfund Site

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Sykes Hot Springs: Only memories remain

The Forest Service announced today that Sykes Hot Springs have run dry, apparently as a result of a small earthquake centered in the Ventana backcountry.

This followed an earlier announcement by the EPA that the area surrounding the famous springs has been declared a Superfund site, pursuant to CERCLA. According to the EPA, an assessment of the canyon bottom in the Sykes vicinity revealed an astonishing level of fecal coliform contamination, as well as the presence of hepatitis, typhoid, tetanus and other serious diseases and pathogens. High levels of hydrocarbon contamination were also detected, apparently as a result of decades of spillage from camping stoves.

As a precautionary measure, all visitors to Sykes will now be required to spend two weeks quarantined in an isolation ward before being allowed to rejoin the general population.

The Forest Service and EPA strongly advise backcountry travelers in the Ventana to find somewhere else to go. “It’s a little known fact, but there are actually backcountry camps other than Sykes out there,” claims a Forest Service spokesman. “Please give somewhere else a try.”

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8 Responses to Sykes Hot Spring Dries Up: Declared Superfund Site

  1. Lois says:

    Happy April Fools Day!

  2. Rich says:

    Said many of the 300 that went to Sykes last weekend, “It’s all good, brah.”

  3. joshuacanyon says:

    Unfortunately not too unbelievable…! (;>))

    m

  4. bigsurnation says:

    All is not lost. Sykes can be salvaged and recycled for higher purposes. According to sub Sub Paragraph 167B of The Superfund Act Part 77 (which is classified and available only through petition to the Foreign Surveillance Court): “Any Wilderness areas deemed to be so contaminated as to attain Superfund classification automatically revert to Exploratory Freedom Lands and can thus be exploited by drilling, mining, toxic waste storage and fracking without further ado”. Interested mega-corporations can get their permits (along with a FREE 100 foot wide “build a road right-away” easement to the nearest public road ) by sending in a self-addressed envelope – no stamp needed – and a request in less than 100 words to THE FOREST SERVICE, A Koch Company, at Koch HQ – The Capital, Washington D.C:

  5. People are believing this is real, and posting as such on Facebook. Would you please clarify whether this is “real” or not? It would be appreciated…..

  6. xasauan says:

    Guess that would explain why thousands of page views have suddenly come flooding in from Facebook, which doesn’t normally drive much traffic to this site.

    And how could anyone doubt that what they read on the Internet is true? Shocking stories posted on April 1 are especially reliable.

    If even a few of our thousands of new visitors heed our warning and find new places in the Ventana Wilderness to visit, this post will have done more good than we could possibly have imagined when we composed it.

  7. A friend called the Forest Service and got the scoop…and more:”This was an APRIL FOOL’S joke.
    However, Forest service said that social media has caused the site to be overused and abused. Over spring break they said that tents were lined back to back along the river, and close to 300 people were there at the same time. All of the 4 newly dug composting toilets were completely filled and toilet paper was found littered throughout the forest.”

  8. matteo says:

    fuckin idiots

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